Men Need A Revival

What does it mean to be a man? Sadly, many don’t know. Our society desperately needs strong men. We need men who love their children and adore their wives limitlessly. Unfortunately, to many men, their ideal status is beer and TV. Give me a break.

The latest generation of boys to have started families was raised on video games and the negative father stereotype. The concept of getting drunk on the weekends was not a staple for college movies, it was what you did. Drug use is expected and a condescending view of women is typical.

We need a manly revival. One that expects men to do things differently. To live as their fathers and great-grandfathers did in many respects. If you are not doing the following three things, you are not a man.

First, do you put the wants and needs of your family second to your own? This is the trait of a good leader. A problem I see in marriages is that the man is constantly working to defend his selfish actions. Rarely do I see a man working to make excuses because he was acting in the best interest of his family.

Second, are you working to improve yourself in a variety of ways? By staying where you are, don’t expect your children to excel. Don’t expect to live up to your dreams and don’t expect your wife to admire you very much.

Finally, are you working to be an example to those around you or are you playing to the lowest common denominator in the room? Nothing says, “I have morals” like a man who says no to things he disagrees with and works to make things better in ways that he appreciates.

If you don’t know what it means to be a man, read, read read. Discover yourself and you will reap the rewards.

3 Superpowers Fatherhood Has Given Me

batman-75-brjpg-8dd4bd_1280w

After you create other human beings, it gives you a certain sense of power. Of course you didn’t do it alone, especially the 9 month part, but there your child is; a creation that you helped bring into this world. It is truly one of nature’s wonders and if you are committed to raising the children properly, you gain certain superpowers.

First, you care about your kids, a lot and you will do anything to protect them. God blessed men with an immense propensity for danger. When you pair this with children that a man loves, the words, “your burning house is about to collapse” means nothing if the children are inside. Which brings us to our next superpower; strength.

Men who have daughters especially know this. Regardless of the size of the arrogant zit-faced teen that may enter your home, his perceived strength is nothing in comparison to what fuels your desire for justice in light of your little girl. This is also a reference to emotional strength because you must be there for her when she comes home crying. She may go to mom, but the strength you possess will also help her get through any difficulty.

Finally, I have a level of ESP that can only come from exposure to gamma radiation or in having children. Walk into a room or down a store aisle, I can predict with extreme accuracy the things my children will want to touch, hit each other with or knock over. This may seem like paranoia, but allow your predictions to come true a few times and you’ll see it for the superpower that it is.

By exercising these powers, and others, I’m sure I’ve forgotten, you can show your kids you truly love them.

Speak to Your Wife’s Heart

Men often struggle with just what to say to their wives. We tell them we love them but somehow this isn’t good enough. We tell them good morning and this doesn’t work either. “What’s going on?” men lament with a frustrated tone.

Think of Valentine’s Day. Saying the stuff you are just supposed to say or that you say everyday is like presenting her with a little candy heart. It’s nice, cute and is made of sugar, but it’s not that impressive. She wants the candy hearts. They are expected. You know that you’ll see them starting sometime in January and they will be everywhere. Well, what she wants every now and then is a Dove chocolate bar. I am speaking metaphorically of course. On occasion she wants you to stop what you’re doing, have her stop what she is doing and reveal to her your innermost thoughts regarding her. This takes a bit of planning, but you’re good at that. Jack Nicholson does it best in this scene from As Good As It Gets.

You might not be Jack, (my wife is thankful I’m not) so what can you say? Keep in mind that these just get you started. If she suspects that you’re response to her is canned, she’ll appreciate the effort, but it’ll be a Hershey’s Kiss, not a full Dove bar like you’re shooting for. Do this right and just wait’ll she gets a load of you.

 

 

  1. Remember that time we went to / ate at / ___________________? I really enjoyed it. You looked so beautiful. This tells her you were thinking about her earlier in the day. Keeping a collection of good memories that involve her can give you a quick resource.
  2. You are so good at ____________________. It helps me so much and I appreciate it. Women enjoy praise as much as men. Verifying her talents will show her you respect her talents.
  3. You’re such a good mom. She is constantly comparing herself to other women and families. She wants to know she’s a good mom and hearing this from you means a lot.

Speaking to your wife’s heart is how you can connect with her emotionally. It could be just what your relationship needs.

How An Absent Father Can Affect His Children

I speak to women regularly who are in a state of turmoil because their husbands have left them. Maybe he left her for another woman, maybe it was for drugs, or maybe it was because he was not ready for the level of responsibility necessary to have the title of “Daddy” bestowed upon him. He leaves a frightened wife, but he also leaves behind children who will never know the love that both a father and mother can give or the level of specific personal resources a man can impart on his offspring.

There are many opponents to the man’s role in the home, especially as they deal with his natural tendencies toward leadership and problem solving. To some, these are politically incorrect notions. However, a home without these, whether they come from the man or the woman, is not a home at all. It is a machine of dysfunction that spirals at the whim of the children and adults who do not understand what it is to be a person of character. A man’s role is even minimized to the point of questioning its necessity. Scientists at the University of Newcastle have managed to create human sperm cells using a female embryonic stem cell (www.environmentalgraffiti.com). While this is certainly fodder for every feminist out there, it also sets boys (and girls) up to believe that men are not needed. Subsequently, the desire to start a family and defend it to the death is never developed. Instead, boys become old adolescents who look out for themselves. Then, a crucial place in the American home is sacrificed and our children are put in jeopardy.

If the wife represents the nurturing portion of the family, the man represents its strength. Daddy chases the monsters away which helps children see that they have nothing to fear. This develops courage. Daddy helps junior reel in his first fish which teaches that a man can eat if all he has is a string, a hook, and a worm. This is survival. Daddy teaches his little girl to slap the first boy who sexually harasses her and also ensures that this fiend will pay for his mistake beyond that if necessary. This is self-respect. Children who don’t have an active father at home miss out on many of life’s lessons. They then become prey for a world that does not think of their emotional well-being but only of what they can be exploited for.

Real men are missing from our homes. Children who need to learn life lessons have holes that they fill with mood altering drugs and destructive behavior. A boy whose temper is lost at the drop of a hat could have been taught to control his inner beast by a good man at home. Instead, the boy’s rage comes out regularly as he develops a disregard for authority at school and with his mother. A girl who is missing a daddy who will love her unconditionally looks to boys for this fulfillment. Selfish males can’t possibly meet a girl’s deepest needs to the degree that the man who gave her life can. Boys see her only as an object, not for the precious being that she really is. This makes her a victim rather than a princess.

A father’s absence leaves a child with questions that are all too often answered in the wrong ways. A child being raised by a single mother can grow up to be a respectable person. However, the influence a good father carries with his children is immeasurable. When a father is absent, the child’s behavior and tear stained face are a testament of this to me.


Oppositional Defiant Disorder


How to Treat Your Wife

There are secrets you should keep from your wife. 
They are called surprises, not affairs.

There are words you should speak to your wife. 
They are called understanding, not contemptuous. 

There are actions you should commit towards your wife. 
They are called kindness, not disappointments.

There are feelings you should have towards your wife. 
They are called love, not resentment.



BOOK REVIEW: The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be A Better Husband by David Finch

David Finch chronicles the life-changing moments he experiences as he goes from an ego-centric, self-centered jerk to an empathic, thoughtful, and caring husband. Lots of men need to learn the lessons in this book and lots of wives would appreciate it if they did. 

Finch makes the usual mistakes of only thinking of himself, spending too much time at work, and neglecting the various needs of his family. What makes Finch different from most men is that he is not choosing to be a reclusive bullhead. Instead, Finch does not have the natural capabilities to think of others because he has Aspergers Syndrome; typically referred to as a mild form of Autism.
Aspergers Syndrome is a condition defined by the Mayoclinic as a developmental disorder that affects a person’s ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others. Furthermore, people with Aspergers Syndrome typically exhibit social awkwardness and an all-absorbing interest in specific topics because of a lack of empathy. In other words, if you tell him to consider the feelings of others, he will have no idea what that means or how to do it.  

As an adult with Asperger’s Syndrome, Finch was only interested in what his needs were and his obsessive-compulsive tendencies made his behavior even more unbearable. He was disturbed by the fact that anyone would take a shower in less than an hour and when some friends played their usual board games out of order, he became increasingly agitated. “Don’t they know we always play Boggle first?” Biologically, it is impossible for him to think of others. It would be like telling a fish to breathe air. He could maintain the sense of empathy in his courtship days, but to his own admission, maintaining this persona was exhausting once he was married.
The real Finch was released on his unsuspecting, non-OCD wife, Kristen. However, it was because of Finch’s love for Kristen that he overcame his biology and taught himself to be a better husband. Men, if you want a happy marriage, learn from what was exhausting work for Finch. You have the talent that he lacked naturally so no excuses.
After Finch was diagnosed with Aspergers, he kept a journal, outlining behaviors that were appropriate and that were inappropriate. Keep in mind that this was not just affecting his marriage. Finch’s behaviors were so severe that he would often be late for work by several hours just because he did not know how to dress the kids or behave when his morning routine was out of sync. His wife did everything and it was killing her. Finch had no idea how to think outside himself and had to learn how to do a lot.
Here are just a few of the “best practices” that are reflected in the chapter titles:
  1. Be her friend first and always.
  2. Use your words, ie. Don’t blow up or pout if things don’t go your way.
  3. Get inside her “girl world” and look around. You must know who your wife is if you are to make her happy.
  4. Just listen
  5. You must do things around the house that you don’t want to do because, guess what, that’s part of running a house. For Finch, it was doing the laundry.
  6. Go with the flow.
  7. When necessary, redefine perfection. What is your picture of a happy marriage? It might not be what someone else’s is. Be happy with what you have and make the most of it.
  8. Be loyal to your true stakeholders.
  9. Take notes: Be aware of how you are performing as a parent and spouse. Also, care about it.
  10. Give your spouse some space.
  11. Be present in moments with the kids.
  12. Parties are supposed to be fun.
  13. Do all that you can to be worthy of her love.

Most men don’t think of their wives’ needs because they just don’t. Their’s is a choice where Finch, over an almost two year time period, had to train himself to think of others, to be in the moment, and to not freak out when things did not go exactly as planned (those with Asperger’s don’t like surprises).
Maybe other men do not see the value in considering their wives’ feelings, maybe they don’t want to make the effort, maybe their wives make it difficult to do, or maybe they are just jerks. 
Finch admits that his efforts were not totally without self-serving motives. He wanted to be happy and he realized the only way this would happen is if he made his wife happy. This sort of unselfish love is what every marriage needs. Think of him/her first and happiness will come. 

Because of Finch’s efforts to please his wife, he remarks that he would often get teased about being, “gay.” He would want to spend time with her by doing things she enjoyed, and by having a general interest in her happiness. “Which is more ‘gay?’” he asks. “Watching a movie and then having hot sex with your wife, or falling asleep alone on the couch watching half-naked UFC male fighters go at it?” His point is well made.


Men Who Want Divorces

I sometimes talk to men who are just done with their marriage. They are done trying to be “whatever it is she wants me to be.” They are simply finished and want out. What can cause this level of frustration?
First, when women do not communicate their needs, but rather leave their husband guessing, even the most well-intentioned man can wonder, “What’s it all for?” Women want their husbands to know what they need/want because it makes it that much more special. However, if you have never told your husband what you like and don’t like, how is he really supposed to know? Research has shown that the longer we are married, the less we know about one another. You must talk. Also, some men are not that good on picking up on clues. Help him fulfill your emotional needs more by talking to him about them. Then, your husband can move on those needs at appropriate times.
Second, women become so frustrated with their husbands that they continually beat up on them. “He won’t do what he says” or “he never listens to me” are just two complaints. Don’t continually remind him of his shortcomings. The desire to win you over must return to him and by berating him, this will not happen. Also, while communicating one’s feelings, you must move away from hurt towards forgiveness; provided he is apologetic and working to be a better man. 
Third, men don’t listen. Guys, if you haven’t even tried to understand your wife, you gave up before she ever got started, so ask yourself, “What do I want?” Hopefully, you want a wildly passionate life with the woman you committed yourself to. Think single guys have it all? Think again. Marriage has been proven to prolong your life and make you a happier person. If you’re not happy, work to change that.
Your spouse is the greatest thing you could ever possess so don’t let it crumble underneath your feet.


The Us Factor™ Program
Simple, powerful skills to fix your
marriage – quickly & confidentially.
www.TheUsFactor.com


Why Your Wife (& Daughter) Love Edward, Jacob, and the Twilight Series


Millions of women and girls will be flocking to theaters this weekend to see the much-anticipated finale of Twilight; a love story between a mortal and a vampire. Sounds great doesn’t it? With all the glory this movie gets, it also receives its fair share of gaffs from people who scoff at the very idea. I don’t think it’s all that bad.
Regardless of which side you’re on, Team Edward, Team Jacob, or team “give me a break,” at the heart of Twilight is the ageless conflict surrounding two love-struck people. Shakespeare understood it when he wrote “Romeo and Juliet,” and if men today can understand it, they might become better husbands. Here’s why.
First, Edward fights for Bella. This is what your wife wants. Someone who will fight to show her that he is the one who can make her happy. If the man makes his wife happy, she will make him happy, so quit waiting on her to change. You must continue to pursue her the way you did in the beginning of your relationship. It was a beautiful dance then and can be today.
Second, Edwards wants to protect Bella. Throughout the story he lies, attempts suicide, and is generally tormented by the fact that by being with him, she is in danger somehow. Your wife’s well-being should be at the forefront of your thoughts too. This is what she wants. This is why she likes it so much when you think of her first; just because you love her.
Third, Jacob, the competing suitor, loves Bella too. For most of the series anyway Jacob works to win Bella’s heart away from Edward. Your wife loves this back and forth conflict. It shows that Bella is desirable and this is what your wife wants you to think of her. A man who works to show his wife that he chooses her everyday, will have a happy wife. Putting things before her 100% of the time when you could use some of your time to spend with her says you are not choosing her. 
Finally, Edward respects Bella. He was born over 100 years ago and thus has a different value system than young people today. So, he saves himself sexually for marriage. Coming from a guy, this type of chivalry will mean a lot to your daughter. Many girls work to win guys over with the promise (or at least the thought) of sexual activity. Well, many guys will respond and then leave the girl in his dust. This can have negative long-term emotional effects on your little girl. Help her see that a boy who loves her will not require that she give her body to him outside of marriage.
Women enjoy love stories because it is what they want in their own lives. Someone to fight for them, protect them, love them, and respect/understand them. Give her these things and you’ll have a happy marriage. Team Edward all the way.


Buy my Kindle book at Amazon and get out of the dog house tonight.

The Us Factor™ Program
You CAN have a great marriage.
Learn the secrets to loving well.
www.TheUsFactor.com